sinéad's lifestream

I was one of the fortunate few who attended the Star Trek premiere last night in Dublin. As a lifelong Trekkie it was extra special for me to be able to see this almost two weeks early, but this isn’t going to be a review (Rick has pretty much covered that part) instead I wanted to share some of my fangirl feelings about it.

I’ve written once before about my love for science fiction, but Star Trek is definitely where it all started out. From a very early age I watched Picard and Kirk, and later Sisko and Janeway. I quite literally grew up consuming everything Trek, and in the process I learnt some very valuable life lessons. Star Trek has always had these long running ideologies – to be heroic, make the right decisions, don’t be selfish and above all else show compassion. These are part of me too. I’ve never been religious in any way, this is probably as close to it as I’d ever want to get (what would Janeway do? ).

The reason I’ve always been so drawn to Star Trek is because it portrays an attainable future, one that could actually happen and that you really wish you could be a part of. It always made me feel like I could actually fit into their world (this is probably why there are so many obsessive uniform wearing fans). In part this was because the storylines were often incredibly imaginative but they still somehow fell within the realms of possibility – the pseudo-science really helped with that. Also, the characters are just normal people, even the aliens. They aren’t superheros – but it doesn’t stop them from being able to save the world. These realisations have always inspired in me a desire to push myself harder, because for Starlfeet officers it always paid off in the end. If you worked hard enough, you too could be the Captain of a Starship one day. It didn’t matter if you were male or female, black or white or green, or bald – but you did need a hell of a lot of brains and courage too.

Through Trek I discovered and had a passion for science, technology and writing nurtured. At 7 years of age the very first thing I ever did on a computer was draw a black moustache on Leonard Nimoy’s face using MSPaint on Windows 3.0 and as soon as I got my hands on my own computer I learned to type so I could print my stories out on dot matrix paper – that always impressed my primary school teachers.

Obviously there are very many critics of Star Trek, but when you grow up with something you stick with it and see it differently to everyone else. You can gloss over the bad writing here and there, or feign no interest in the blatant overt sexualisation of the series in the late 90’s and early 00’s. It doesn’t take away from your enjoyment because you continue to feel deeply connected to it despite the plot holes and the spandex. Only someone who has grown up watching it understands the draw the franchise can have over you. Which is a pity, because in the end, it all went downhill, the last few movies and Enterprise were severely disappointing and I’d pretty much given up on it after that. I’d moved on to more modern science fiction and didn’t think Star Trek could make any kind of legitimate comeback, especially after the woeful Enterprise.

However, the new movie has completely restored my faith in the franchise. It embodies all of the things that I’ve always loved about Star Trek –  great characters, great stories, incredible action sequences, moral and emotional questions, all this and it also continues to uphold the ideologies that Gene Roddenberry intended to be at the core of Starfleet.

For that I am an incredibly pleased Trekkie, and proud to be one too.

What did 12 year old me spend all their pocket money on? A massive tower of science fiction videos, magazines and comics. Clearly I’d yet to discover “dating” or figured out what was NOT going to get me beaten up. When I cleared out my old room I found some of these magazines and comics, some of them go back as far as 1995. I was seriously obsessed with anything remotely related to science fiction when I was younger. I honestly think that if it wasn’t for science fiction I would never have developed a love for computers and science. I have my Dad to thank for introducing me to Star Trek when I was very young, I can still remember being upset about missing episodes of The Next Generation when we went on holidays to Butlins when I was 7 years old. These days I indulge with the odd book, and watching the new Battlestar Galactica.

My favourite item that I kept from my sci-fi obsessed past is the Star Trek The Next Generation Interactive Video Boardgame – A Klingon Challenge.

“This interactive adventure actually lets you board the U.S.S. Enterprise and “star” in a special Star Trek: The Next Generation episode!” The whole aim of the game is to overthrow a Klingon (on the starboard bow?) who has taken over the Enterprise. Kavok, the Klingon in question, appears on your TV screen every few minutes, generally angry and screaming insults at you. Just like in any boardgame there are various cards you can collect that will randomise your game play.

This card reads “You consult with a holodeck image of Captain Picard and are reminded that members of the Federation always cooperate. EACH CREW MEMBER WILL NOW GIVE YOU THEIR NEXT TURN.” I just love the way they put that, how very 24th Century. Your reward at the end of the game is moving up the ranks to become Captain and/or “A medal of valour”.

How this was considered a fun way to spend an hour is beyond me, I honestly don’t think I ever managed to get the maximum 8 people to play this either. It’s a pity I have all the pieces but no instructions. Looks like it’s back to the Star Trek Drinking Games for me.

I’ve written before about how I like to de-clutter every once in awhile, and yesterday I was forced to  confront years of past hoarding. A massive collection of memories from my old childhood bedroom awaited me when I got home from work. Despite once being incredibly sentimental (the reason I had kept it all) these days I associate anything that holds no use as 100% expendable. This might seem callous, but I’ve learned that I can reduce my own stress when the space I occupy is kept tidy and I’m more efficient because of it. Also, sleep comes easier in a room that doesn’t need constant maintenance (i.e. tidying up crap I don’t use, all the time).

As I mentioned, I do have a sentimental streak. So, instead of being ruthless and throwing it all out without a second thought, I went through it all and took photos to retain some evidence. In doing so I took a journey backwards many many years, to the person I used to be and the person I hope I can be again.

I am a Creative Person

The biggest part of this haul was a collection of sketches and paintings from school. I had once been very passionate about art, taking honours art for the Junior Certificate. I honestly can’t believe how many hours all of these pieces must have taken me. I don’t know what changed inside me and stopped me from continuing. Lack of confidence? A mature realisation that I wasn’t really an artist? I instead perused History, Biology and Business Studies. Choosing these subjects out of desire to have a well rounded education, and to keep my options open for whatever college subject I would choose. I wonder what would have happened if I had have kept doing art? After I dropped art I would channel some of my artistic creativity into Photoshop projects, having always been equally interested in computers in my youth, but then I didn’t take that path either. I’m certainly no graphic designer. These days I try to photograph the beautiful things I see, and yet, this frustrates me because what I really see, never seems to translate onto picture.

I am a Writer

English had always been my favourite subject and I had considered, quite seriously, studying this in college. “To Sinéad, an Editor, Author and Poet – and all before you left school.” this is part of a goodbye message written by a teacher, written inside the cover of the school magazine. This is something I worked long and hard on. I edited the magazine when I was in 6th year and from the age of 14 up until I left school at 18 I would write and write and write. Short stories, random articles for the school magazine and (as embarrassed as I am to admit it now) mountains of poetry. The school magazine was a serious creative outlet for me. I can’t imagine being that brave today, putting myself out there like that, creating something of my own and sharing it with strangers. This is why I’m writing this now, in an effort to be more courageous with my writing. I don’t know why I stopped being myself and starting holding my real self back. “Excellent short story, you’re a talented writer Sinead!” I found pages, upon pages of handwritten short stories, many which gained me A’s and A+’s from my English teacher.  I don’t gloat, I am simply shocked. Reading them now, I can’t believe these are mine.

“Most people take their time for granted. Most do not take into consideration that many things can happen in a few short seconds. A heart can discontinue beating, discoveries can be made, the human mind can process and file thoughts and memories into single cells.”

Most of my short stories are incredibly long, with many “Keep your essays brief!” “Wonderful, but not exam material.” notes left by teachers in the margins. “Excellent detail, very well expressed. Time Limit?” At 16 and 17 years of age I had no restraints, I was as creative as I wanted to be with my words. I didn’t care about fitting the exam mould and never reigned in my creative self. Poetry was something very dear to me at that time too. I had so much of it published in the school magazine. I personally think this took guts. Or maybe I was just naive? But, how is it that I was stronger and more confident with myself then, than I am now?

No more.

I blog. Yes. But I don’t utilise it the same way that others do. At the moment as part of my college research I am studying why people blog, and it sounds more wonderful the way it is described there. Millions of people blog to express themselves, as an outlet, in an cathartic effort. There are writers like Darragh Doyle that take my breath away with his openness, his honesty and it is courageous, and beautiful. I’ve spoken to my girlfriend, Jen, on many occasions about how I wish I could be just like Darragh. But I blog too seriously. I would rather been seen as an academic, because the reality is I’m terribly insecure about being seen as anything else, because I’m stuck in a job that I dislike, that has no connection to who I am or what I’m passionate about today and I am desperate to be taken seriously. But why? It’s not making ME feel more serious. It’s not helping me with the goals I thought it would help me succeed in.

This blog post is my attempt at connecting with my past self and this, new blog project, is an attempt to be creative, a writer and ME again. And I’m terrified.

Let’s be terrified together? Who did YOU used to be? What parts of yourself do you wish you could connect with again? Write that post. Take that photo. Create that art.

It’s not about whether you are creative enough, but whether you will free yourself to express it.